How Are You Doing?
Most of us are asked daily (sometimes multiple times per day), “How are you doing?” Often the other person is just trying to be nice and they don’t really care how we answer. They have moved on even before the expected reply, “I’m good, how are you?”
Since January 17, 2023, I have been fortunate to be asked “How are you doing?” by many people who truly want to know about my cancer journey and how I’m doing. And once or twice a week someone asks me, “Ok, how are you really doing?” They want to know and are ready for, This sucks! I feel like crap! Why do I have to go through this? But when I answer honestly, “I’m really pretty good.”, they appear shocked. How can he be good? He’s going through chemo. He has cancer that will never go away? (Imagine if they knew that stem cell transplants destroy 100% of your bone marrow! Yikes!)
I don’t know how to respond other than, these days 95% of the time I’m good. I am going along with my life, which now includes chemo and other treatments, side affects, doctor visits and next steps every day. I expend very little energy on things I cannot do anything about, and I ask What else can I do? about anything I can impact. If the answer is nothing, I move on.
However, Thursday afternoon I ended up in the 5%. I do not know why. I was walking out of treatment the same as I have for months; I knew how I was going to feel the rest of the day, I knew nothing was going to get done, and I thought, I just don’t want to do this any more. I’m tired (physically, mentally, spiritually) and I just want to be done. I don’t want a break. I want to be done. I have had the challenge for 4 months, learned how to deal with it, and now it is time for a cure so I can move on. I was not mad or even sad. I just wanted to be done.
It took 12 hours and some sleep, but by Friday morning I was back on my 95% groove. Building plans, getting work done, finding new answers to What else can I do?
Then it was Jeri’s turn. She came home from the grocery store Friday afternoon in a similar mood as I felt Thursday—tired, frustrated, sad, and generally feeling ripped off. Cooking more vegan food, going out, staying in; everything was overwhelming. While was doing better, I could relate to the idea of not wanting to do anything but not wanting to do nothing.
So for dinner we decided on chips and guacamole from Chipotle, with maybe some rice and beans. That brightened us both up a little. Still vegan, just not a super healthy. But hey, live it up on a Friday night!
As I got in the car I asked what I always ask, “Anything else while we are out?” “Yeah, a cookie,” Jeri replied. We looked at each other and both said “Heck yes!” There is a Crumbl Cookie on the same strip as Chipotle and surprise surprise, the app I have for them still worked. I ordered a peanut butter cookie for me and Jeri wanted a sugar cookie with pink frosting.
The chips, guac, rice, and beans were good. Watching the end of the new Bridgerton series on Netflix was warm and loving. Eating those cookies was fantastic! I felt zero guilt, and not just because I have read enough about the science behind no sugar and no animal products to know that my body will start to repair a once-every-4-month splurge within hours. I also had no expectation that these things would make the 5% for me go away. It was just nice to watch TV with the fire going in the fireplace, and eat a cookie.
So, how am I doing? The same. 95% of the time I looking forward to the quest I am on, getting the next thing done, and looking forward to tomorrow. And 5% I’m feeing sorry for myself in some way, shape, or form. Over the last 4 months I have stuffed that 5% with low salt popcorn or high protein peanut butter balls. Tonight it was a cookie and it was fantastic!
P.S. Even though I do not feel even 1% guilty, I did burn the evidence. But then again, when there is a fire in the fire place, I burn everything.
