Comfort Kills

At treatment on Monday, which is nothing new. This is where I am every other Monday. It is usually pretty easy. I have zero symptoms and zero side effects so life for me is really good.

Today, however, this is a tough place to be mentally. Over the last 6 months I reconnected with Roger, who used to be a co-worker. He retired 10+ years ago and walking through the treatment room I saw him. He had a different kind of blood cancer, but seemed to be on the same schedule as me. A month ago he was disappointed because his platelets were too low for treatment. But two weeks ago, we did a virtual chest bump, because he could get treatment. I found out that Roger died 8 days later.

This one threw me for a loop harder than others. There are others I knew better. There are others who had a tougher time. There are others who struggled longer. Maybe it was because he looked just like he always did. Maybe it was because he had the same sense of humor that he always did. Maybe it was because we sat side by side twice and got treatment. But I just cannot shake looking and the station he was sitting in two weeks ago getting the treatment he wanted and thinking he should still be there.

For Father’s Day Jeri got me a couple shirts to add to my motivational collection. While I had a different one laid out for today, at the last moment I grabbed “Comfort Kills”. I wear it today to remind myself that even though I have no symptoms or side effects, the cancer is still there. I have to work harder than it to beat it. I cannot relax at all. I once again slacked off on diet, exercise, and meditation. Yesterday I was comfortable. Today I am not.